Marriage is a blessing ......this we know, but what happens when it's work?
As little girls we watch Disney movies of Cinderella, Jasmine, and Ariel as they find their prince charming. We are surrounded with this fantasy of lust. When looking back at these stories they never tell much about the marriage, but rather the dating, courtship, engagement, and our favorite part....the wedding. What about the most exciting part......the marriage! O yea..... "and they lived happily ever after."
After much discussion with my husband we decided that marriage would make a much less interesting movie....and a long one! Marriage is tough work at times and most people don't go to movies to see reality, but to see fantasy.
Take Ariel from The Little Mermaid. She wants something else, a life different than what she has and she sells her voice to find it. This infatuation with 'prince charming' is what we call LUST! This is not love. The story turns and she eventually finds her voice in her prince charming......but in real life we don't find our voice in our spouse. In fact, we get married and find we now SHARE a voice and can't always have our way and must compromise and spend more time listening and less time speaking. Bet you didn't expect that huh, Ariel?
The truth is that LOVE is not something that happens.....it is work! Lust happens without our control, but LOVE is a choice! When talking with our pastor before we got married, he said one thing to us that has stuck....."love is a verb, it is an action!" With love being an action, that implies that we have the choice to love! In a marriage love doesn't just happen, it takes a conscious choice everyday to cultivate and grow love in your marriage. It is at times the hardest thing you will do in the day, but it is also the most important and can be the most rewarding!
What an honor to have your husband/wife say to you "I choose to love you today" and what an honor for your spouse to hear you say "I choose to love you today"......day after day! The choice to love is not the same choice to like or to agree. Most days you will have different opinions on events in your life: where you want to live, how the laundry is done, where to spend holidays, what days to take off at holidays, how and when to cook dinner, who cleans, how the chores are divided or not divided, and who makes the bed....the list goes on and on. The most important way to handle disagreements is not to think of you against your spouse on these issues, but you and your spouse against the event/situation. When we begin to think as a single entity, the day to day things are more doable.....that doesn't mean they are easy, but it is a way to choose to cultivate love.
For many independent people, marriage is a shock. Remember marriage is a choice.....just as love is a choice! A choice you make and a choice you continue to make everyday. Marriage is hard work, but it is worth it. The stories of couples who have gone through crisis, infidelity, the loss of a child, the torture of bankruptcy, the loss of a house or job.....the couples that choose to keep their marriage are the stronger for it. Lust is a wonderful and fleeting emotion, but the contentment and joy that is grown in a marriage is so much better than the fleeting feeling of lust.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on marriage....feel free to comment below with your thoughts!
Are you having trouble understanding your marriage whether you are a newlywed, been married a few years, or married for many years......I encourage you to write a note to yourself (a post-it on the bathroom mirror works perfect) that says "Choose to love" and look at it each morning this week!
We also rely heavily on
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman to help understand how we love and how our spouse receives and gives love! Highly recommend it!
One last note: I like to run and on my run yesterday I was reminded how similar a marriage is to a run. The beginning is like ecstasy (lust) you run and think you could run forever....you are all smiles and feel like nothing could be more perfect. Then the middle of the run comes and you are looking back trying to remember that ecstatic feeling and loosing it with every bound of your foot.......it is now a choice to continue.....as you put just a bit more effort to focus your mind away from the torture, but before long it hits you again........and you stop.
Take a big breath and think to yourself "do I continue or walk the rest of the way home?" Finally, you choose to continue at a much slower speed up the hills with some rest on the downhills, but then something happens when you realize you are almost over the hill......you finally stop at your endpoint and walk it out.......with a feeling that is not quite as high as the ecstasy in the beginning, but a feeling of accomplishment, a feeling of inner peace, a feeling of contentment......much like the feeling of love in a marriage that has been cultivated and purposefully grown.
I pray this blurb inspires you to choose to love your spouse. Remember, a marriage is not always fun or easy, but it can be the most joyful part of your life if you work at it!
*We are all in this together, so please feel free to drop us a note if you would like prayers for your marriage!
Blessings,
Kristin
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